Isaiah Chapter 6 – Confessions of a Struggling Disciple

I hear the term ‘disciple’ a lot in my life, but often in reference to the men who followed Jesus Christ in the gospel books. 

How often do I think of myself as a disciple?

Not that much, honestly.

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about a disciple I looked up to, and whose life I fall very short of: John the Baptist.

Eons ago, I studied about John’s mission-centric life.

It left such a deep mark on me that I even based a previous devotional I wrote on that Bible study An excerpt:

John the Baptist came preaching in the wilderness of Judea, which meant he was away from the distractions of society. In fact, John was in the wilderness when the word of God came to him (Luke 3:2). 

Often, when our minds are filled with the noise of work, family, or entertainment, this buzz filters out the word of God and weakens our will to seek Him.

When I was reflecting on John the Baptist’s strong calling, that Here I am! Send me, I remember feeling a burst of zeal to serve the Lord. 

And here’s the confession. (It’s not all that glamorous if you read till the end.)

Around the time that Bible study occurred, I had quietly resolved to lead a mission-centered life for one year—a “manageable” time period to which I could commit pushing myself out of my faith’s comfort zone.

The year went well. I was deeply edified. I did things I never thought were possible, such as using my miserably laughable Chinese skills (yes, people have laughed) to interpret through God’s generous help.

But as with all human lives, mine is filled with great weakness. And the great humbling came, where I saw more of who I am.

With time, I found myself finally beginning to enjoy more healthily (long story) people’s company, as well as the entertainment and hobbies I found. These were at times joys and even gifts from God, but I also allowed them to become distractions to my faith at times.

I also entered new phases of my life. I struggled immensely to adapt. Though I experienced God’s tender blessings along the way, I was (am) challenged in my faith and life like never before. 

Overwhelmed became a word I used more often. I saw more of my human limits.

Here I am! Send me.

Here I am… I think. Send me, maybe? Or maybe next month.

Here, I am… busy. Send them.

Here, I am… struggling right now. Send help!

Now, I look back on that mission-centered year with gladness. Yet deep down, there is much shame and remorse that I have not wanted to chase after God like that for a while. 

I feel ashamed that I do not currently have enough discipline / strength of desire / faith to overcome my life’s storms and anchor my life in solid discipleship. 

But I recognize faith is also a work in progress. I just hope I’m actually progressing in God’s eyes.

Here are two individuals from Isaiah 6 whose relationship with God were also marred by weakness: King Uzziah and Isaiah. 

One progressed through God’s power, one regressed through his pride.

 “But when he [Uzziah] was strong his heart was lifted up, to his destruction …” (2 Chronicles 26:16)

Surely you can’t not know you’ve gone wrong when you have 81 people in rather priestly garb telling you that you have. If 81 of your colleagues came to tell you at the same time that you were fatally overworking the office photocopy machine, or much worse, breaking the company’s supply chain, you’d probably feel bad and stop. 

But Uzziah got mad at them for calling out his mistake! So God took action. He punished Uzziah with leprosy, then banished Uzziah from His house (2 Chronicles 26:18-21).

On the other hand, in realising his sin, Isaiah confessed: “I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips.” (Isaiah 6:5)

When he saw God’s holiness, Isaiah humbly realised how unholy he was, to the point of die liao. (Or: “Woe is me, for I am undone / destroyed / cut off!”)

Then God worked. Helping him in his weakness, God removed his sin. Isaiah drew nearer to God, and so God drew nearer to him (James 4:8).

Although both Uzziah (in the temple) and Isaiah (in his vision) had come into God’s presence, how their hearts fared on the tender to hardened-or-100%-heart-calcification scale led to vastly different outcomes.

I too come regularly into God’s presence through worship, but perhaps my heart has been more like Uzziah’s than Isaiah and John the Baptist’s. Less Here I am, send me, and more here I am, with my own will and ways.

God is kind for giving me this opportunity to reconsider my faith through this devotional. So here is my tiny prayer today, for me and for anyone else who’s a struggling disciple…

Lord, we are weak. Remove our sins. Grant us a tender heart, a mind that filters away distractions, and boldness and simple faith to choose a mission-centered life.

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